Tween Management 101

As our son enters middle childhood, I realize that it’s becoming more and more challenging to simply command orders and expect him to just obey and follow. Most of the time, he will ask more than a couple of “why” – is the task needed? Is my way the best way to accomplish it? Is time of the essence or can it wait until later? I can’t say I’m surprised really because I’m exactly like him when I was a child, and I can imagine my parents at their wit’s end with my many questions and counter-arguments. So on good days when my Emotional Quotient is not lacking and I am able to take the high road, I put myself in his shoes and embrace the boy in front of me who is slowly developing into his very own, unique version of a man.

The way I see it, there are three types of kids: When parents tell them what to do or how to do a task, Kid 1 would look dad or mom in the eyes, say “okay sure!” but once the parent is out of sight, will proceed to do things his way or not do it at all (and hope against all hope that the parent never finds out); Kid 2 would resist blindly following, ask numerous questions (including why it’s necessary for him to be the one to do it) but after a long debate, will do as told, out of respect for (and love or fear of) his parents; and then there’s Kid 3 who would say “okay sure!” and obey with a happy heart. Of course, Kid 3 is the ideal, our dream as parents (Kudos to parents everywhere with happily obedient children!) and I believe that with positive parenting and better understanding of the evolving needs of our pre-adolescent kids, it can be a reality for all of us too!

Now I’m not saying it’s easy. When corrected wrongly or out of context (or when it’s not clear to him why he’s being reprimanded), our son expresses defensiveness by being obnoxious, critical or downright rude. My natural reaction would be to rebuke him outright when he’s becoming a smarty pants, arguing and talking back at me, but my husband, who is the calm to my storm, would often take a step back to understand the situation and eventually draw out where my son’s misbehavior is stemming from. True enough, almost always, it’s a simple miscommunication that could easily have been avoided if, instead of barking orders or calling him out, I involved him in the thought process, made him part of the solution, or very simply put, if only I listened.

Ironically, the less I command my son to do things my way, the more he ends up following or replicating our “best practices” at home. I’m starting to realize that now that he’s eight years old, our authority as parents is starting to lessen, but our influence on him is growing exponentially. I find it adorable how he takes the time to plan his next day’s activities and makes things-to-do lists (complete with tick boxes) like me, and how he likes fixing his “toolbox” and cords in proper order and problem-solves decisively like his dad. It seems more and more apparent that when we direct him instead of correcting him, he is more open to our ideas and suggestions.

So in an attempt to help fellow parents everywhere, who like us, are constantly learning how to parent kids who are about to enter adolescence and adulthood, I thought of sharing some of my notes:

Learning # 1: Bite your tongue and let your child decide.

Yes, I know this is easier said than done. In my personal experience, it is harder to keep my opinion and comments to myself than to just go ahead and give my son a piece of my mind. Every day upon waking up, I pray for the wisdom, grace and strength to lessen my natural tendency to correct and control my son’s behavior, so he can process and learn life lessons on his own. Taking ownership of the pros and cons of his decisions and actions will teach him to be more responsible and accountable.

Learning # 2: But be firm on absolute truths.

What’s even harder is setting my foot down on matters of absolute truths. More than establishing a clear sense of right and wrong, there are certain values that my husband and I are firm about. For instance, lying to get out of hot water is never fine. This includes partial truths, little white lies, and hiding the truth. We try to teach our son to tell the truth no matter what, and we enable this by being open and forgiving of his faults and lapses once he confesses. We have been there and done that, and we know that castigating him after he comes clean, owns up his mistakes, and asks us for help to fix the problem will backfire and just push him to lie next time around. Another absolute truth we are firm about is respect and reverence to God. My husband and I may practice our Christian faith differently but we both try to live our lives in a way that will honor God and show this outwardly via our words and actions. My son knows that he can argue and challenge me on many things but the 10 commandments of God (yes, this includes not using ‘Oh My God’ to express shock or excitement), especially the two most important commandments spoken by Jesus Himself, “to love God with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself”, are non-negotiables.

Learning # 3: Have faith in him that he wants to be a Good Boy.

In short, Give him a break. Sure he may be feeling a little lazy to do his chores and prefers to lounge by the couch watching TV. Maybe he got carried away by the You Tube video he was watching and lost track of time. But unless he is doing this the whole day or consistently and unable to accomplish anything else, don’t worry, he is not exhibiting the makings of a lazy bum. I admit there are still days when I become overbearing and allow my fear to takeover my better intentions, but I’d like to believe that it’s more the exception than the norm now. I think sometimes kids just need that “reprieve” from being responsible and dependable when they are at home, to simply let go and just be kids, sans all the expectations, especially when around their mothers, who they know love them unconditionally. Sure they will fail, they will disappoint us, sometimes out of their own doing (as we all have, at their age) but what they need most apart from our love, is our compassion and mercy.

After all, didn’t experts say that the first seven years of a child’s life are the formative years? We have given our children the best wisdom, guidance and tools imaginable given our limited resources, not to mention all the love we can possibly give. Now is the time to step back and give them a little room to grow while still supporting them when they need us. Besides, abandoning our kids to God is the best parenting move we can ever make. I bet our kids will turn out okay. Maybe it’s time we have faith is ourselves too. We rock, parents! 😉