Fireproof your parent-child relationship

I don’t know about you but one of my biggest fears is to infuriate my son enough to drive him off the wall and me, out of his circle of influence completely. I’m not talking about the normal bickering or minor irritation that comes with occasional nagging; I mean intense exasperation that comes from being misunderstood, misjudged, or punished unfairly.

It’s scary because now that I’m a parent, I realize that there is a very thin line between the loving discipline that comes with training our child, and the undue exercise of parental power which drives our child to resent our actions, or worse, us.

I’m guilty of unintentionally provoking my son to anger when I exercise dictatorship at home and morph into a shameful “it’s my way or the highway” tyrant, robbing him off his privileges and right to explain. As I begin to be more cognizant of my undesirable reaction, I realize that it happens when I’m feeling stretched thin by the endless responsibilities of being a mom (and back then, a working mom at that), and yet, unappreciated for the things I do for the family.

One particular incident comes to mind when my son was five years old and caught a tough stomach bug. For two days, he can only eat the B-R-A-T (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast) Diet so on the third day when his doctor gave us the go signal to reintroduce real food, I labored for hours in the kitchen, preparing freshly cooked chicken soup made with all natural ingredients. However, instead of eating it when served, he left the soup to run cold, all because he needed to “level up” in this game that he was playing. In my outrage, I lashed at him and grounded him from using the gadget for the remainder of that school semester break. Tearful, apologetic and crushed for what he has done, my heart broke when he came to me to ask “Mommy do you still love me even if I was a bad boy? I promise to be a good boy, please love me again.” All that drama and trauma to my sick child, all because of my selfish desire for appreciation, I have given my son the wrong impression that my love for him was conditional; that he needed to be a good boy, for his mother to love him. I felt like somebody punched me in the stomach. I wanted to turn back the time and react differently. I could really have just waited until he finished that level. The soup can be reheated but those words spoken harshly can never be retracted. There is no rewind button and that memory has been etched in my son’s memory. Thereafter, I try my best to be more careful with his heart, which I know that (at least for the time being) I am holding in my hands.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit always brings me back to my senses quickly and every time I lose control of my emotions and reaction, I apologize to my son for my mistake, careful to process and explain to him what caused my outburst (lest give him the wrong impression that taking mommy’s service for granted and acting with no sense of gratitude is correct). But whatever my reason was, it was not an excuse for
lashing out at him. I became indignant because my labor of love was going unnoticed but it was wrong of me to look to him to fulfill my low self-esteem and insecurity. He was, afterall, a child—my child— who I love unconditionally.

Of course it’s a different case when he deliberately chooses to disobey house rules and family agreements. When he abuses his gadget privileges, for example, and goes overtime, or worse, if we ever catch him lying, he will definitely be reprimanded. Thankfully, our son is actually very easy to talk to and obeys without resistance. He respects the boundaries we’ve set because he knows that we discipline out of love. As much as we are careful not to provoke him to rebel, we also don’t want him to grow up arrogant with a sense of entitlement.

So where does one draw the line? How can we fireproof our parent-child relationship without practicing permissive parenting and falling short on our ultimate role to train up our children?

1. Check the state of your heart

It will all boil down to the state of our hearts at the point of correcting our children. If we’re feeling sad and unappreciated, unfulfilled and unhappy with ourselves, our spouses, our jobs, or worse when we’re frustrated or angry about something, chances are, this displaced aggression towards our child will exasperate them. Why? Because it is not fair to depend on them (consciously or not) to fill the void in our beings or correct the mistakes in our lives. On the other hand if our action or reaction is done for their best interest, as a part of a bigger training objective, then the chastisement will be justified, even in their young minds.

2. Imagine your God

Imagine saying what you’re about to say, and doing what you’re about to do – with Jesus Himself, standing behind your child. If you can still go ahead and say or do it, in front of your Lord almighty, who hand-picked you to be the parent of that wonderful child that you are about to castigate, then go ahead. If our heart is in the right place, disciplining our children is in itself an act of love. Jesus never said we shouldn’t correct wrong behaviour. But He is also clear that we should do everything for His greater glory, in this case, to train our children according to His way, and not for our own ego or selfish interests.

3. Ask yourself – Is it worth it?

If that word or action is the last straw for your child before he puts a wall around himself that you will not be able to penetrate, will you still do it? Is your personal concern or your child’s offense really worth severing your parent-child relationship? If you can’t answer this with absolute conviction, I suggest you walk away and sleep on it. Better yet, pray about it. As Ken Blanchard puts it, “Know the difference between a crisis and a bump in the road.” Self preservation is a natural human reaction and kids are at their most vulnerable in the presence of their parents. If their offense is not deliberate and does not go against family values and core principles, maybe it’s better to just reheat that soup, as my lesson had been.
At the end of the day, our role as parents is primarily to love and train up our children, and parental discipline is an integral part of that. To be effective, we must strive and fight to keep our spots at the core of their circle of influence (and I don’t mean to strive and fight with them, but rather with our own flawed, reactive and sometimes-short-sighted selves) to influence their hearts. It’s tough, it’s going to be an everyday struggle, but with prayers and a solid resolve to at least try to be best parents for our children, I believe it’s not impossible and it’s never too late. 😉