Work it, Working Moms! You’ve got this!

In a recent article in Town & Country, one of eight luxury experiences to aim for before turning 40 (and the top one at that) is to Take a Career Break.

I also remember reading a few years back how taking a mid-career sabbatical is life-changing. Well, while mine was not deliberately planned, my almost-one year ‘pause’ did allow me to pursue my personal passions to my heart’s content, and gave me that ever elusive, much-sought-after gift of a changed perspective. That’s right, perspective – that outlook, mind frame, vantage point, or attitude towards life, that colors, magnifies, or sometimes obscures how we see things –in my case, about being a “working mom.”

Before I was forced out of the corporate world because of a complicated medical condition, I have always felt “guilty” for having to leave my son for the most part of the day, for most of the week, and for coming home mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted (READ: S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D) that the best I could afford to do was to tuck him in at night. I remember thinking that if only I can be a stay-at-home mom, I would be a better mom to him—‘better’ meaning spend more time with him, be more creative, less short-fused, more permissive and spontaneous, less angry, more FUN. So while others in my age range dreamt of travelling the world, starting their own business, pursuing an advocacy, my deepest longing since the day I gave birth to my son, had always been to be a stay-at-home mom. In a way, I spent my working hours in quiet discontent; having left my heart and soul at home, I pined away and in lack of a better word, endured, my time in the office, away from my son.

Then my attack happened.
Then I had to resign from work, give up the career that I was building for the last ten years, in the fast paced industry that I have grown to love.
Then life as I know it ended as abruptly as a splash of ice-cold water on my face, and I woke up to live my dream.
I became a stay-at-home mom for eleven months.

And, oh boy, did I have the time of my life! I brought my son to school and fetched him afterwards; did domestic errands in between; pursued passion projects that I’ve always wanted to do (this blog site being at the top of my list, along with reading books endlessly, and practicing yoga). I accompanied my son everywhere, tried everything with him (new hobbies, new restaurants, new places, name it!), made sure we made as many happy memories as possible while he had Mommy all to himself. Just like how a trip to a dream city will surely have a packed itinerary to make it all worthwhile, my sabbatical had been exactly that – filled with everything I wanted to do and experience, living almost all of my ‘what ifs’ and checking most of my bucket list, well as far as, raising my child is concerned.

But just like how all trips come to an end and eventually it would be time to come home, there came a point wherein I knew in my heart that it was time for me to re-enter the corporate world again. Not because I was forced to, nor was it out of boredom or desperation, but because I’ve come to realize that being a working mom doesn’t make me less of a mother. In fact, it actually made me a more effective and efficient mom in the sense that I am able to give my son that sacred space to grow and figure out life on his own (without my unintentional but inevitable hovering).

Looking back at my pre-sabbatical working mom self, I am still guilt-ridden, although this time not for the same reason, but for the many good opportunities that I was not able to grab and embrace, all because of my imaginary emotional baggage (yes, imaginary, underlined for emphasis). Now that I have come to terms with my ‘stay-at-home mom alter ego’ and having gained a changed perspective about being a working mom (& how absolutely cool it is actually!), I thought of sharing some of the lessons I’ve learned on how to work it to make it work:

Lesson # 1: Be mindful of where your time goes to be 100% present where you are

Don’t you wish we moms have the ability to clone ourselves and have version 2.0 stay at home and tidy up ala Marie Kondo, while having the time to whip up gourmet meals and baked goodies like Martha Stewart, all while being the best wife and mom, and our own version of #ladyboss Sophia Amoruso? While the answer of most would be multi-tasking (and we moms are quite renowned for that skill), what works for me better is to give my 100% attention to the task at hand. I know a million things run around a mom’s mind but the trick really is to be very selective at what you would pay attention to, on what goes on your plate so to speak, and to be mindful of where your time goes. The worst (and most unproductive) day for me is when I’m running around all over the place, “super busy,” but at the end of the day, not really accomplishing anything. To avoid that, I’ve learned to say ‘no’ to tasks and activities that have no value-add, and really plan my day ahead.

Lesson # 2: It’s all about your attitude

Try this exercise: Read this phrase, first sarcastically with downcast shoulders and a deep sigh, “Oh great…. I have a job today….” (I’m sure that will be followed by a list of all the things you cannot do because you have to drag yourself to the office). Now read that same sentence, but this time, roll your shoulders back, take a deep breath of gratitude and replace the ellipsis with an exclamation point! Now isn’t that so much better?

Lesson # 3: Sure, your job (or your boss) is not perfect but hey, neither are you

Sometimes I think we set ourselves up for failure when we seek to attain perfection (Yes, that’s coming from a perfectionist #overthinkermom like me), when maybe the grand plan really is to Bloom where we’re planted. Regardless.

I realized this after reading one of the most impactful books ever during my hiatus, this book entitled, “Spontaneous Happiness” by Andrew Weil gifted by my father in law, where Mr. Weil introduced the word “Lagom” to describe a more realistic goal than blissful happiness which develops impossible expectations. Lagom is a Swedish term which means “exactly enough,” sort of like contentment, acceptance, balance summed up all together. If you haven’t yet, I highly encourage you to grab a copy too.

Lesson # 4: No one is really “stuck in a rut.” You have a choice.

However I need to qualify my earlier suggestion. While it is up to us to bloom where we’re planted, it is also important to know that if things are not working for us, we always have the option to either rest (take a leave of absence), move (speak to your boss about moving to a new unit) or leave (the company, not the work force). A big part of the discontent many employed moms feel everyday stems from this notion of not having a choice. And while reality bites for most of us, i.e. we do have to earn for a living or at least to maintain a comfortable lifestyle, there is life outside that box you find yourself in. There will surely be trade-offs, you won’t be able to have your cake and eat it too (that’s life), but you have a choice. Actually, not choosing, is already a choice in itself.

Lesson # 5: Embrace the season

I read this when I was nine years old, at my grandmother’s eulogy, and it became my all-time favorite bible verse ever.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
² a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

Now read verse 9 and 13 again, slowly and carefully. You see? Everything will be worth it. We really only need to trust God. Trust that He knows what He’s doing when He allowed you to be where you are now. Trust the process. There is a time for everything. The problem starts when we want to have it all, all at the same time.

Lesson # 6: Never lose sight of your WHY

This boy here and that smile on his face is my why.

For as long as you have a clear reason for working, and your time, energy and finances are all aligned towards your purpose, then enough said. Great news working moms, you’ve got this! 🙂