Mothering without Smothering

Two nights ago, for the first time ever, our third grader son forgot to do his homework. It’s a good thing his bedtime prayer always included a recounting of his whole day as his ‘conversation with Jesus’ and it prompted him to remember his lapse so he had the chance to cram and finish everything in time, but that did not excuse him from being scolded for the irresponsible behavior. Now it might seem normal for third graders to care less about homework every now and then and opt to spend the afternoon playing instead, but it was the first time our son exhibited such a careless behavior that I can’t help but (over)think and worry that this was a red flag of a more serious problem. So what could have been a teachable moment turned out to be an exhausting probe and debate of his “real issues” (he insists that there was none) as my motherly instincts (more strongly) insisted otherwise.

What bothered me all the more was his reaction to his ‘debrief’ with his dad. Instead of being sad and sorry, I saw his face turn frozen, almost stone-cold, saw his mind running at full speed in deep thought but strangely he kept quiet. Later at bedtime, he prayed silently (he usually prays aloud), and turned his back to me as he tried to sleep, almost seeming angry at us for what had happened. Now I could have let him be and let that hard lesson sink in and left him to figure it out on his own, but a bigger part of me was worried that his young mind lacked the perspective and life experience to understand what had happened; worse, I feared that the enemy of God would take that opportunity to creep into his mind, distort our loving correction into a lie that we don’t love and accept him unconditionally with what happened as case in point. That’s when I decided to let go of my desire to be right (and let him know it), instead, I placed a loving hand on his back and softly asked him, “Anak (child), are you okay?” At first he pretended to sleep so I persisted and said, “Can you give mom one smile before we sleep? You know sleeping angry will turn your heart black and we don’t want that right?” And that made all the difference. He faced me, at first refusing to look at me out of shame for “being irresponsible” but as soon as he saw that I was not angry, he let all his walls down and tearfully apologized for what happened. Apparently, it had been frustrating for him to be “accused” of having issues just for missing to do homework “this one time” and he felt unfairly judged and was actually “just sad” for disappointing us. All of a sudden, there he was, our good son, who for a moment was overwhelmed with ‘growing up’ emotions that could have taken over his heart.

I remember a book I read years ago entitled “Raising Cain” by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson about a boy’s desire to be loved and respected (especially by his parents), and how his natural response to humiliation and shame is anger and stoicism, rather than reflection and communication (as is typical for us girls). This stark difference in our gender’s capacity and reaction to deep-seated feelings is probably why it’s soooo hard for moms to mother a boy without smothering him to become a mama’s boy. Think about it. For many of us, no matter what age, we will always see our sons as our little boy, just like how it was perfectly depicted by the French TVC of the popular home furniture brand, Ikea.

But the reality is how we see them needs to evolve along with their changing needs as they grow up to become adolescents, teenagers, and later on, adults. If not, we may end up clipping their wings, busting (instead of boosting) their self-confidence or worse, pushing them away. The lesson is crystal clear for my husband and I: We need to see our son for who he is becoming. For all of us moms of younger kids, as early as now, I think we should start being comfortable with the idea that sooner or later, the inevitable will (and needs to) happen – we need to let our child be their own person, leave us so that as not to lose their sense of self, but in the process still leave the gates of communication and support, open for them to return home anytime they need us.

The big question is HOW? Now admittedly this is something that I am also asking myself and discovering every day but maybe some of my learning will help you along the way:

Just listen when he talks

As parents, we often get stuck to our role as their superheroes back when they were preschoolers or younger and every cry of “Mom!” or “Dad!” was a call for help. We are so used to troubleshooting and problem-solving that our default reaction when our children opens up about their personal problems and shares their life experiences is to pinpoint a problem area and come to their rescue. However most of the time, the best emotional support we can give them is really by simply listening without judging them, hearing their problems without dictating solutions. In so doing, we show them respect and unconditional love.

Support his decisions

Let’s face it. We all think we know better than our children. Be it because of their lack of life experience, foresight, maybe even wisdom (or so we think), we sometimes fall into this trap of openly or subliminally contradicting every decision our child makes, from the most trivial to the more profound, well, just because. Maybe it’s our parental instinct to want to protect them from making mistakes and/or failing, but by constantly opposing their decisions, we just end up sending off the wrong message that they are not good enough or they can’t function without us, and will go on with life always second-guessing himself. Now do we want that? Of course not. In fact, that would be tragic. So the next time your child makes a decision, try to express your full confidence in him by supporting his choices.

Shoutout to all Dads: Be present

I’m sure we’ve all seen the latest research affirming the fact that fathers play a critical role in every child’s development. I think it’s not only because their presence provide security, stability and a sense of authority, but also because, well, in reality, for many moms like me, our husbands are our sanity and emotional anchor. I can recall more than a handful of instances when my son and I were on the brink of a full-blown verbal sparring over a pointless argument and his dad had stepped in to pull me (yes me, the adult in that bickering) back to my senses. Had my husband not been present, I could have said words I surely did not mean (and can never take back or erase from my son’s memory). For this reason and more, I completely agree with authors Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson:

The most emotionally resourceful and resilient boys are those whose fathers are part of the emotional fabric of the family, whose fathers care for them and show it in comforting, consistent ways. – Raising Cain.

Essentially, children have to be loved and well regarded by their fathers (as much as their mothers) at any age. Especially for boys, dads are in this unique (and enviable) position to be a source of support without the fear of looking weak and vulnerable to his peers (unlike when we moms help them out). In raising our son, I’m glad that my husband and I are in agreement that his role as his dad is not to harden or toughen him (the world will already do that), rather, his role is to help our son with the hard tasks of growing up and ultimately to celebrate and honor him for who he is.

So to mother without smothering, I think our best bet is to abandon our notion of a perfect child and accept our child 100% for who he is turning out to be. And along with this total acceptance comes that much-desired respect that perhaps all children crave from their parents. Based on my experience, for as long as those two are present, raising children, even teenagers, will be a piece of cake.