To leave or not to leave, that is the question

I recently read a Facebook post on how a mother reassured her daughter of her unconditional love by reminding her of always having the choice to leave an uncomfortable situation.

I can’t help but relate and remember my own personal experience growing up and how my parents have always ingrained the same truths in me. Knowing that I always had that choice to leave whenever I wanted—be it at a sleepover at a cousin’s house (because I was homesick) or a party gone wild (it got way wilder than I imagined), a toxic friendship, or an unhealthy relationship—and that they were always just one phone call away, gave me a sense of comfort and security.

However now that I’m a parent, I also can’t help but (over)think how I want to communicate this message to my son, without inadvertently sending him the wrong message that he can make rash decisions or quit easily just because he has that choice, and we, his parents, will always run to his rescue. Especially when we’ve always taught him not to give up just because the going got tough.

Just to give you an idea of how it is in our home, we’ve always empowered our son to make decisions that involved his preferences – he can choose what to wear, what toy to buy, what book to read, what extra-curricular activities to enroll in. For example, he can choose to do golf practice on a school day, provided he doesn’t complain about doing his homework after; defer his piano lessons to school breaks, so he can have more time for art classes. But he knows that once he made a decision, he needs to see it through. I have a very low tolerance for whining and complaints, especially about choices that he made and he knows it. 

One summer for instance, he insisted on taking football classes out of sheer peer pressure, and wanted to quit after the second session for a multitude of complaints: it was too hot, the grass was too long, the field was infested with bugs, he runs out of breath running around, he even complained of nearly fainting during practice (which I verified with the coach to be true). The long and short of it was, he was simply not interested in the sport, but after all the whining, we told him to suck it up and complete those ten sessions. Well that seemed to work out well for him as he became more careful in making decisions thereafter and learned early on that succumbing to peer pressure was not a wise move. But as much as I am proud of him for quietly obeying and persevering, and as convinced as I am that allowing him to be inconvenienced had taught him a valuable lesson, in my heart, I also wanted him to know that had his reason for wanting to quit been because of an intolerable coach or teammate bullying him, or because the atmosphere drained his self-confidence and made him view himself as less of a person, then he doesn’t even have to think twice about asking us because he will be allowed to leave. But then now I wonder if he knows this, or did we imply that with every decision, regardless of how uncomfortable the situation he finds himself in, he needs to just “deal with it” in the future? My goodness, parenting IS hard.

That I’m raising a boy, I realize that it’s even harder. Boys have always borne this ‘pressure’ of being perceived as strong if they can endure an uncomfortable situation, carry a heavy burden quietly without complaining, tolerating pain beyond their threshold, triumphing over injustice; and weak if they walk away or worse, ask for help, especially from their parents. But then we all know that there are times when asking for help (from our parents who love us unconditionally) is actually the wisest thing to do. Even God our Father in Heaven, teaches us this eternal lesson of having the humility to ask for His help and divine assistance like a little child, confident that He will always come to our aid.

I still haven’t figured this out in its entirety but what I came to realize is that yes, I want my son to have that never-give-up attitude, persevere on his passion, give 100% effort to reach his long-term goal, endure challenges and overcome obstacles, despite the sweat, blood, and tears entailed BUT have that self-awareness to be willing to tweak or even abort his plans should it prove to be unreasonable, ill-founded or detrimental to his personal well-being (or to those around him), AND to have the resilience to dream another dream, roll with the punches and start building again.

In short, yes I want him hardy, but not hard-headed, especially not when it comes to life’s detours as for sure, there will be many along the way. While it’s true that sometimes there is no way out, most of the time, we just think we’re doing the braver thing by staying on course, either because it makes others feel comfortable or it’s the easier and more convenient choice.

And it is during those times, when he is thrown a curved ball and faced with an uncompromising predicament, on the brink of losing what is essential to him (be it his self-worth, his principles, his sanity, his good health), or finds himself in an uncomfortable situation that robs him of those, I want him to remember that YES, he is allowed to leave and should he need us, we will be there for him every time. Rest assured, we will always show up. 💗