The Real Deal with Kids and Chores

Do your kids have household chores that they are truly accountable for? By “truly accountable” I mean one that if they do it, you, the parent (or your housekeepers) won’t be re-doing the chore once the child is out-of-sight; or if they don’t, then that job remains undone and your child is held answerable for not doing it? I just had to qualify because based on what I’ve observed, chores for kids, more often than not, mean “playtime activity” than a routine, necessary task that actually contributes to the household, effectively helping to off-load us parents or the hired help from the real task-at-hand.

My son, for example, used to help wash the dishes but after spending hours soaping and rinsing (and having the time of his life playing with the bubbles), we were guilty of soaping and rinsing everything one more time, the adult and “proper” way. But I think to achieve that end-in-mind, the house chores cannot be simply ceremonial, so it got me (over)thinking.

I’ve been trying to introduce house chores to my son since the day I read about how age-appropriate chores help kids become more responsible and less entitled, way back Summer 2014, when he was just four years old. Since then, he was assigned three chores (all of which I felt he was capable to do with minimal adult supervision so he can “own” the job): (1) Pack away, (2) Sort his toys into labeled boxes, and (3) Return things that are lying around to its proper place. I wanted him to learn to pick up after himself without relying on his yaya (nanny) to clean up his mess, develop a habit of being organized and to put things back to its proper place. I must say he does a pretty good job with all three, so much so that a consistent feedback from all his class advisers year after year, was that he was a bit too organized, bordering OC (obsessive-compulsive) in keeping his things and the classroom in order. Oops, I may have gone overboard with the training. But for some reason, that good habit was not being replicated in our home. So where was the disconnect?

After much (over)thinking, I realize that the problem wasn’t so much in motivating him to do his chores at home—In more than one occasion, I find that he would do all three without any prompting, whether or not somebody in authority is watching—rather, it was that he lacks “ownership” of the chores that he doesn’t feel accountable for it. We can’t blame him, really. When school is in full swing, we don’t expect him to “squeeze in” the chores to his already-too-busy schedule. I’m even guilty of telling him to prioritize ‘more important things’ like preparing for school and sleeping on time, in the end often running out of time to do the chores, thus leaving his yaya to put his things in order. My son, being highly observant and perceptive, probably understood the dynamics and figured that, at home, he is not accountable for his chores (yaya is), so he doesn’t display the same initiative and drive as in school.

But now that he’s already eight, I feel the pressing need to take things more seriously; not to mention expand his chores and make him truly accountable for it. At his age and at the very least, more than packing away and sorting his toys, I know he is capable of bigger tasks like cleaning his own room so maybe I can start with that.

Last weekend, I had the perfect opportunity to “launch” my plan while his yaya was away attending our parish’s two-day recollection. For the first time since we moved-in to our own house, we (meaning my husband, son, and I) will be left entirely on our own. Wonderful, I thought. No better way to get things rolling than out of sheer need, right? So during dinner the night before, we talked to my son and told him that we will be home alone this weekend and we needed his help. His assignment was to clean his room and his personal belongings, including everything else lying around the house that was his. Like a good soldier, he said “OK mommy! You can count on me!”

Come Saturday morning, right after breakfast, without me needing to remind him, he said “I’ll go up to my room and start cleaning now mom.” Great, I thought. He’s a self-starter. Time flew so fast that before I knew it, it was nearly noon when it occurred to me that my son has still not returned! Could he still be cleaning his room? It’s been 4 hours. Nah, I thought, already imagining him comfortably propped on his bed playing with his gadget, while heading up to his room, He is probably ‘chillaxing’. I peeked in and saw his room all spick and span, Oh wow, he’s dependable too! I thought. but still no sign of my little trooper. Before I can call out his name, the door to our master’s bedroom opened, and out came my son, drenched in sweat, and with a big grin on his face said “Surprise mom! I already cleaned your room exactly how Ate (our househelp) cleans it. See mom? Did I do a good job?” and to my happy delight, HE SURELY DID. He even had the good sense of using our organic, toxin-free cleaning materials. Now that’s what I call Initiative. And this time, I did not re-do or even improve on what he gave all his best effort to do. I simply embraced him and said, “Yes, Good Job! Thank you!”

So there I was worrying about how to train my son to be more responsible and less entitled, when all I really needed to do was to trust that he will do the right thing when the need arises. I’m reminded of an excerpt from a book I read recently, “Grateful kids in an entitled world” by Kristen Welch: “Sometimes the best way to help our kids is to not help them. They often become resourceful and responsible when we simply let them be.” True enough, when I let him be, he went over and beyond the call of duty and to top it all off, did everything with a happy heart. ♥

I still prefer that he focuses on school and sports during the weekdays of the School Year but we made an agreement that every weekends, with or without yaya, he will be cleaning his room and organizing his personal belongings, and we (meaning his dad and i) will also do our part. At the end of the day, as Ms. Welch wrote in the same book, “Entitlement (doesn’t) start with (our son). It (begins) with (us).” Still not the ideal end state, I know, but I think we are on the road to becoming more responsible and less entitled.