My Amazing NOW

Almost six months have passed since I had to leave life as I know it to prioritize more essential matters, mainly my health, family and faith.

During my 37^th birthday last October 2017 at Padre Pio Church, I was filled with a deep longing to enkindle my luke-warm relationship with God. At that time, I would describe myself as a disengaged Catholic at best, attending Sunday mass, giving alms, more as a sense of duty than out of love and reverence for God, and I felt, well, empty and lost. Maybe as a result of that lost fire, I started feeling less enthusiastic about life in general and soon started noticing physical manifestations of the dullness I was feeling—in my skin, my hair, my lost appetite and foggy mind, and soon, I became irritable, impatient and perpetually angry and frustrated that I couldn’t snap out of that state of merely existing. I blamed my new job, my husband for his lapse of judgment, myself for not being the happy mommy that my son deserved. Maybe it was midlife crisis or the effect of extreme dieting and a sedentary lifestyle.  Blood tests would later say those were early signs of depression. Whatever it was, I knew I couldn’t live that way and I needed to make a drastic change. Unsure of what to do, for the first time ever, I surrendered everything to God. Being a control freak, I usually pray very specific prayers and expect very specific answers. But unsure of what to pray for, I simply abandoned myself and prayed only one prayer that day: Not my Will but Yours Be Done. And God being a God of magnificence, of course, took the wheel and changed my course in a way I never imagined.

On November 16, 2017, the day after a seemingly-harmless ride at an amusement park, I was rushed to the emergency room for non-stop vomiting and nausea that left me weak and disoriented. After I failed the standard physical test administered by the resident neurologist (I couldn’t lift my left leg), I was admitted for hospital confinement and underwent many tests to rule out a stroke. In an amazing stroke of luck, we were told that I was cleared of any signs of blockage or ruptures, but in an anticlimactic fashion, was also warned of being predisposed to having a stroke due to a congenital carotid artery defect revealed by the MRI scan. It didn’t help that scans showed a misaligned spine suggesting a pinched brain stem and that laboratory tests are showing leaky gut, gluten intolerance, and early signs of depression —all of which are triggered (or at least aggravated) by stress. After much thought and prayers, but with a heavy heart and anxiety-filled mind, I decided to heed my husband’s counsel to take a full rest from all stress and stressors that come with juggling work, motherhood and marriage, and left my job last January 2018.

Sometimes we really need to let go of our concept of a perfect life to make way for God’s many graces. I thought I had it all career-wise and never in my wildest dreams would I have given it all up. But as it turns out, these past six months have been the best months of my life. For the first time since my son was born, I am able to be a present, full-time, stay-at-home mom. Some may think I’m crazy but I experience a high from fetching my son from school, seeing his eyes shine bright when he sees me and excitedly tells me about his day. As I know my SAHM stint is but temporary, I prepared an ‘Epic Summer’ for him, taking him to his favorite summer classes, planning out of town trips for our family; I also took this rare opportunity to help and support my husband in every way I can, and for the first time ever in many years, saw ourselves, more than our son’s parents but as partners; and I was able get to know the Lord more by using this precious time He has given me to commune with Him deeper and be a blessing to other people in our community, by serving the parish in any little way I can.

Had it not been for that fateful theme park ride, my medical condition will not be unearthed and we wouldn’t have received that blessed warning. Had it not been for the doctor’s warning, I would never have quit my stable job. But then again had it not been for all of those, I would also never have experienced my amazing NOW of actually being – as a mom, a wife, a child of God—and finding myself. Indeed there is great peace that comes with simply letting go and letting God take the wheel.

The road ahead is still uncertain and I’m presently (quite literally) smack in the middle of life’s crossroads, being in between jobs now, but for some strange reason, this over-thinking mom, is not over-thinking THAT. Instead, I’m busy preparing myself for greater things ahead as I know that my God’s got this. And while waiting for His amazing grace, I figured, let me over-think other mommy matters first. 🙂